Last year's thriller Case 39 really upped the Evil Kid ante with "Lilith," who caused all kinds of murder and mayhem. When that behavior includes inducing multiple suicides, that's pretty evil.
But clearly trying to top her is Paranormal Activity 3 building on the creepy kid behavior that culminated in some generational mayhem in the prequels. And by the looks of the trailer, we've got some kiddie creepiness right around the corner. We survey Lilith's evil kid competition through the ages, highlighting these little monsters' Groundable Behavior and doling out wooden spoons with our Spanking Index.
|
1956: Rhoda (Patty McCormac)
Age: 8
Movie: The Bad Seed
This granddaughter of a well-known serial killer — like male pattern baldness, serial killing skips a generation — the blonde, pigtailed little Rhoda wins the award for cutest evil kid and paved the way for child sociopaths to come.
Groundable Behavior:
• Killed a neighbor lady while living in Wichita
• Beats classmate to death with tap dancing shoes, throws the body in a lake
• Sets school's janitor on fire, burning him alive
Spanking Index:
|
|
1973: Regan (Linda Blair)
Age: 12
Movie: The Exorcist
Named the scariest movie of all time by Entertainment Weekly, for us The Exorcist is less scary than profoundly disturbing, thanks in part to Linda Blair's head-turning role as Satan-possessed Regan MacNeil.
Groundable Behavior:
• Extreme profanity (in a deep, man's voice)
• Physically assaults a doctor
• Kills a babysitter
• Creeps an exorcist out so badly he has a heart attack and dies
Spanking Index:
(The Devil made her do it.)
|
|
1976: Damien (Harvey Stephens)
Age: 5
Movie: The Omen
Playing the son of the devil can lead to typecasting, which may explain why Harvey Stevens — whose cherubic Damien was so chillingly detached from the murder and mayhem — has had only two roles since The Omen, one of them as Tabloid Reporter #3 in the 2006 remake.
Groundable Behavior:
• Drives nanny to hang herself
• Causes accident, killing priest
• Causes accident, decapitating photographer
• Knocks mom off balcony with tricycle, causing miscarriage
• Forces new nanny to murder mom
• Gets his dad shot
Spanking Index:
|
|
1989: Gage (Miko Hughes)
Age: 3
Movie: Pet Sematary
When both a dead guy's spirit and the Wise Old Neighbor Guy (played by Herman Munster, no less) both tell you to stay the heck away from the Indian burial ground, but you exhume your dead son's body and re-bury it there anyhow, well, you're kind of asking for it. Leave it to Stephen King to create the youngest evil kid.
Groundable Behavior:
• Slices neighbor's Achilles tendon, then rips out his throat
• Stabs his mom in the eye, then strangles her
• Bites and stabs dad, drives him insane
Spanking Index:
(Don’t blame the child, he was undead at the time)
|
|
1990: Junior (Michael Oliver)
Age: 7
Movie: Problem Child
When a movie scores an 8% on Rotten Tomatoes yet launches two sequels, evil is clearly at play. Need more evidence? This poor tyke was returned to the orphanage 30 times before landing John Ritter as a father figure (an event that could certainly excuse some of his misbehavior).
Groundable Behavior:
• Bulldozes a mobile home when his toy is broken
• Wins Little League matches by batting his opponents' balls
• Chooses a notorious serial killer for his pen pal
Spanking Index:
(Hey, it’s just a cry for help)
|
|
1993: Henry (Macaulay Culkin)
Age: 12
Movie: The Good Son
Maybe we can blame it on the crappiness of Home Alone 2: Lost in New York, but just three years after he charmed the nation in the original Home Alone, Culkin was creeping it out even more.
Groundable Behavior:
• Uses homemade crossbow to kill neighbor's dog
• Throws dummy over freeway overpass, causing serious accident
• Gets 8-year-old sister to skate on thin ice, fall through (she survives)
• Tries pushing his mom off a cliff
Spanking Index:
(Just plain naughty)
|
|
2002: Samara (Daveigh Chase)
Age: 8
Movie: The Ring
Some might say it was Netflix that spelled doom for Blockbuster. It was actually 2002's The Ring that got people to switch from murder-inducing VHS rentals to DVDs by mail. Winner of 2003's MTV Best Villain Movie Award, Samara Morgan is set to scare audiences a third time with The Ring 3D, set for a 2012 release.
Groundable Behavior:
• While in womb, causes mom to become depressed and later commit suicide
• Murders girls
• Traumatizes another so badly she's institutionalized in mental hospital
• Constantly threatens murder with creepy phone calls saying, "You will suffer."
Spanking Index:
(Extra spanks for unkempt appearance)
|
|
2009: Esther (Isabelle Fuhrman)
Age: 9 going on ?
Movie: Orphan
WARNING: Major Spoilage Ahead
While her Groundable Behavior tops Damien's, Esther's actually a 33-year-old woman with hypopituitarism who's escaped from an Estonian mental hospital — that's a one wooden spoon deduction.
Groundable Behavior:
• Sets a treehouse on fire
• Kills a nun with a hammer
• Tries killing her brother with a rock
• Tries smothering her brother with a pillow
• Kills her dad
• Shoots her mom in the arm
• Killed the entire family that adopted her previously
Spanking Index:
(She’d give you 5)
|
|
2009: Isaac (John Franklin)
Age: 9
Movie: Children of the Corn
This movie lead directly led to the mid-'80s farm crisis and Farm Aid concert series, as farmers abandoned their cornfield-surrounded homes for city living among far-less-threatening house plants. John Franklin's pint-sized Jim Jones was especially creepy because the bloodthirsty, religious fervor was so mindless and misplaced, sacrificing adults to an entity known only as He Who Walks Behind the Rows.
Groundable Behavior:
• Ritualistic murder of every adult living in town
• Ritualistic murder of every adult passing through town
Spanking Index:
(Take this one behind the wood shed)
|
|
2009: Draco Malfoy (Tom Felton)
Age: 16
Movie: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
With a name that embodies "draconian" and "evil" in French, it's no surprise this son of a Death Eater grows nastier throughout the series. Add in his Slytherin heritage and control of simple-minded thugs Crabbe and Goyle, and you have the perfect anti-hero in training.
Groundable Behavior:
• Devises scheme to let Death Eaters into Hogwarts
• Caught crying by Harry Potter, he uses Cruciatus Curse (just not fast enough)
• Makes three failed attempts at killing Dumbledore
Spanking Index:
(Draco's an evil child FAIL!)
|