Fellas, the day of reckoning is at hand. The Sex and the City movie is arriving in theaters, and though you've tried your best to avoid it, your girlfriend/wife is insisting that you see it with her. Since calling in a fake bomb threat to the theater is no longer advised (thank you very much, Patriot Act), it looks like your options have run out.
But all is not lost, my friends. Like a modern-day Meriwether Lewis (or William Clark, if you prefer), I braved the perilous two-and-a-half-hour journey in advance, keeping a journal of the experience in order to create the guide below. Use it wisely. With a little luck -- and some expertly-timed bathroom breaks -- you just might emerge afterward with your reproductive organs intact.
Warning -- Spoilers Ahead
First off, I highly recommend bringing an emergency preparedness kit, to be used in the event that you feel your testosterone falling to dangerously low levels, with you to the Cineplex. Pack it with the following items:
- Package of beef jerky
- Victoria's Secret catalog
- Eight by ten photo of Chuck Norris (autographed, if possible)
- Paperback copy of Ditka: An Autobiography, by Mike Ditka and Don Pierson
- Issue of Car and Driver magazine
Next, print out and bring the following Sex and the City timeline with you. Bear in mind that the times are approximate and the list is far from comprehensive, as I lost consciousness and blacked out at several points throughout the screening. For simplicity's sake, I've divided most of the entries into four main categories: Girl Talk, Female Bonding Moment, Female Empowerment Moment and Montage. Also included are instances of nudity -- all of which are female, unless otherwise indicated.
Study the list before beforehand to pinpoint your ideal break times. Godspeed, my brothers!
- :00 Opening credits/flashback montage
- :05 Girl Talk - Jewelry shopping
- :09 Female Bonding Moment- Someone's getting married!
- :15 Montage - Trying on various wedding dresses
- :18 Girl Talk - On getting married
- :24 Girl Talk - Sex after marriage
- :28 Nudity
- :29 Montage - Modeling old ugly outfits. Ewww!
- :45 Dramatic wedding ceremony
- :54 Female Bonding Moment - Girls' trip to Mexico
- :59 Excessive pubic hair joke
- 1:02 Girl Talk - Complaining about men
- 1:05 Female Bonding Moment - Character defecates herself
- 1:12 Female Bonding Moment - Pregnancy announcement (Yay!!!)
- 1:20 Girl Talk - Sad stories of bad boyfriends
- 1:24 Female Empowerment Moment
- 1:31 Female Bonding Moment - Alone on New Year's Eve
- 1:38 Montage - Fashion show
- 1:42 Emotional Argument
- 1:44 Nudity
- 1:47 Couples Therapy
- 1:51 Dramatic Reconciliation
- 1:53 Nudity - Male frontal
- 1:54 Female Bonding Moment - Baby shower
- 1:57 Female Empowerment Moment
- 2:04 Sappy Sentiment - Love letters
- 2:16 Dramatic Reconciliation
- 2:18 Sappy Sentiment - Marriage proposal
- 2:20 Female Bonding - Girls' night out!
- 2:22 Closing credits