For purists of the vampire genre, we've been living in dark times indeed — the age of the wussy vampire. The roots of this toothless scourge trace back to novelist Anne Rice, the originator of the wussy vampire, and her not-so-vaguely homoerotic Vampire Chronicles series and the subsequent movie adaptations Interview with the Vampire and Queen of the Damned.
In 2005, young Mormon housewife Stephenie Meyer took Rice's world as a jumping-off point, but Meyer set her tale of wussy vamps in modern times, created her own mythology, and aimed her story squarely at the tweener set.
Now, 35 years since Rice's seminal work and six years after Meyer's publication, we may be able to finally put a stake in the heart of this sub-genre of the pathetic bloodsucker with the impending final chapter (well, PART I of the final chapter), The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn (November 18th). In shedding a melodramatic tear, we thought it a good time to sift through the annals of wussy vampires on the big screen. Although Rice's and Meyer's vampires la femme certainly qualify, we've also included some vamps we simply don't find terribly intimidating.
As always, we'd love to hear your thoughts. Disagree with our choices? Do you have a wussy vampire that should have made our list? Drop us a comment below.
 |
It might seem surprising to find the tough-as-nails Blade on a list of the wussiest vampires, but let's be clear — we're talking solely about the third movie, Blade: Trinity. In this chapter of the Blade saga, our hero is placed in the backseat to watch helplessly as a new team of vampire hunters, known as the Nightstalkers, step in to do Blade's dirty work. The muscle-bound, flat-topped half-breed is left to the sidelines as a Canadian (Ryan Reynolds) and a hottie (Jessica Biel) take center stage.
|
|
|
 |
To be fair, Cage's well-dressed '80s exec might not really be a vampire, but his delusions offer some pretty compelling moments. Even today, as a member of the Hollywood elite, Cage's penchant to cheese-it-up is world renowned. And back in the day? Watch out. Cage offers a heavy helping of Velveeta in this camp classic, bulging his eyes and flickering his pearly whites at anyone who's willing to entertain his crazed rants. Today, the more-polished Cage might pull off a truly frightening vamp, but Peter Loew is pure silliness.
|
|
|
 |
Reubens' battle with the forgotten Buffy Kristy Swanson is brief and pretty uninspired. Long hair and a goatee don't make Reubens any more manly, and his fighting skills are sorely lacking.
|
|
|
 |
Besides the fact that Eddie Murphy was heading into a career lull that lasted more than two decades (and might still be going, depending on who you ask), the makeup job alone keeps Max from being anything worth your worries. Is it a comedy? Is it scary? The only thing for sure is it's terrible, both in terms of Murphy's listless performance and Wes Craven's toss-off directorial effort.
|
|
|
 |
The movie isn't good or memorable enough to rank any higher, but Townsend takes his lead from the boys club of Interview and adds some beef and chest waxing. There should be more sexual tension between Louis and the titular Queen, but it's with male co-stars, such as Vincent Perez, that director Michael Rymer draws true chemistry from Louis.
|
|
|
 |
Okay, this is Cheech we're talking about here. Sharp teeth or not, is anyone truly intimidated by an aging hippy who's half-baked the majority of the time? Even if he did come after you, we imagine you could hold him off with a dime bag or some munchies.
|
|
|
 |
Yeah, at the time Kiefer's leather-clad biker was kind of badass, but time hasn't been kind to this sexually questionable biker vamp with one helluva mullet. Besides, David demonstrates a classic case of overcompensation with his macho lines and rough action with the ladies.
|
|
|
|
It seemed fitting to add at least one old queen to a list heavy on young, makeup-clad boy toys. Oldman's portrayal of the classic Drac is sufficiently creepy on the surface, but there's also something less-than-manly about his weirdo seduction of Keanu's Jonathan Harker. This doesn't feel so excellent, Bill.
|
|
|
 |
Edward probably deserves top spot on such a list what with all the broody stalking and nature boy antics. I mean come on, baseball? Described by Twilight author Meyer as having pale marble skin, pouting full lips, and high cheekbones, Edward is the fantasy of many a young teenage girl, and probably a few guys in West Hollywood, but throat-ripping, blood-curdling fiend this Cullen is not.
|
|
|
|
When it comes to true wussy vampire kings, it's a draw among this love triangle of blood lust. All three sport hairdos that would make Vidal Sassoon proud, plus makeup jobs that could land them bassist auditions for The Cure. Argue if you must, but there's simply no denying the homoerotic relationship between Lestat and Louis, as the elder vamp teaches Louis how to be comfortable with his alternative lifestyle. And Banderas? Lines such as "You are beautiful, my friend. Lestat must have wept when he made you." speak for themselves.
|