It's been 20 years this month since Seinfeld first hit the airwaves, and we still miss seeing our favorite characters in new predicaments. Given the number of movie remakes and sequels Hollywood's been cranking out as of late, it got us to thinking: What movies would we like to see recast with Jerry, George, Elaine, Kramer, or another member of their motley social circle?
Here are 10 movie-reboot ideas we offer up to the remake gods.
It's not just his face-painting habit that has us turning to David Puddy, Elaine's on-and-off-again boyfriend, to play the Scotsman William Wallace. When you factor in Puddy's sexist comments and belief that his romantic partner may be bound for Hell, we think he's perfectly suited to take on a Mel Gibson movie.
As far as we know, Don Vito Corleone never owned a restaurant. He was in the food business with his Genco Olive Oil, though, and for that reason we nominate Poppie for the reboot. Just think, this G-rated version — where Poppie intimidates rival families by cooking for them with unwashed hands — could introduce a whole new generation to a movie classic. And it's easy to imagine the double entendres thrown in to keep parents entertained: "A cannoli is a cannoli when you put your fists in the dough."
Who better to portray a pair of bickering bachelors competing for a woman who could clearly do better than George Costanza and Cosmo Kramer? Sure, the two were never neighbors, but we're taking creative license here. Plus, we've got other plans for Newman.
When it comes to channeling the "evil incarnate" that is Dr. Hannibal Lecter, our thoughts naturally go to Newman. Scheming? Check. Ruthless? Check. And then there's that episode where he fantasizes about eating Kramer, who's been basted in butter and seasoned with Parmesan and oregano. Just take a moment to imagine Newman's delivery of "I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti." Chills.
We almost hesitate to offer up this romcom recast with Elaine Benes and Jerry Seinfeld on the grounds that it's too ... trite. But honestly, wouldn't you like to see Julia Roberts' character played more callous and spectacularly selfish? And in our version, the wedding would be officiated by the "hipster doofus" Kramer, the groomsmen would all wear pirate shirts, and Jerry would call it off at the alter with a shrug. "That's a shame."
Given that J. Peterman was so taken with this movie that he fired Elaine when he discovered she hated it, it seems a fitting way to pay homage to the eccentric cataloguer. Plus, he's clearly mastered the art of dramatic delivery and pseudo-deep storytelling needed to convey Count de Almásy lines like "It is a very plum plum." and "I once heard of a captain who wore a patch over a good eye. The men fought harder for him."
What Seinfeld character list would be complete without the Larry David–voiced George Steinbrenner? Our vote is to transfer his nonstop, inane ramblings and eggplant-calzone fetish to the drunken manager Jimmy Dugan. And this time, yes, there would be crying in baseball.
We can't imagine a better courtroom drama for the legendary Jackie Chiles, but it's Marine Colonel Jessep we'd like to see him portray — not Tom Cruise's naive lawyer. Who else could match Jack Nicholson's delivery of the following rant? "Hmmmm ... transfer Santiago. Yes, I'm sure you're right. I'm sure that's the thing to do. Wait a minute, I have a better idea. Let's transfer the whole squad off the base. Let's... On second thought, Windward! Let's transfer the whole Windward Division off the base. John, go on out there, get those boys down off the fence, they're packing their bags. Tom! Get me the President on the phone right away. We're surrendering our position in Cuba!"
Okay, this one has yet to hit theaters, so a reboot is admittedly premature. But rather than Julia Child offering up life lessons to a Queens' secretary at loose ends, wouldn't it be more interesting to see the Soup Nazi dispense wisdom to Susan Ross, George's fiancée who dies after licking the envelopes of the cheap wedding invitations he insisted upon? "Toxic soup for you!"
What if Jennifer and Oliver's relationship had been allowed to continue for several decades? Something tells us it still would have ended up as a tear-jerker — a laugh-induced tear-jerker. That wise-cracking banter would coarsen over time, leaving a couple with the communication skills of, well, Frank and Estelle Costanza. What comes from never having to say you're sorry? George.