Teddy Daniels, the U.S. Marshal played by Leonardo DiCaprio in Martin Scorsese's new movie doesn't know what he's in for when he arrives on Shutter Island. But he learns soon enough: Here at a government-run hospital for the criminally insane, the world has been turned upside down. There are vicious murderers, imposing guards, and mad doctors — not to mention ominous apparitions and dangerous thunderstorms. There's also an escaped murderess and a woman in a cave and a suspicious lighthouse. There are mysteries, conspiracies, dark secrets, and suspicious therapies. And above all else, there's no escape. Do you hear? NO ESCAPE!
And we say, "So, what else is new?"
If, like us, you've gotten the bulk of your education from the big screen, you know one thing is true: Islands are bad. Really bad. They're water-bound hellzones, natural refuges for the forces of pain, deception, and death. Here the wildest forces of nature hold sway, scientists flee to conduct their infernal experiments, megalomaniacs forge their plans for societies formed in their own image (and, if we're willing to throw Lost into the mix, the time-space continuum gets royally frakked).
There's good reason for a healthy skepticism that anything worthwhile can happen in a place where the exchange rate is calculated in fish. Just in case you doubt us, here are 10 compelling cases.
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10. The Island of Dr. Moreau (1996)
Screw edible food and potable water; what they really need is a satellite SAG office.
Abandon hope, all ye who land upon the shores of Dr. Moreau's self-styled animal kingdom. Oh yeah, his experiments — sadistic attempts to turn feral beasts into moral humans — are horrific, but that's not what we're talking about. No, what truly dooms this island are the perpetual script rewrites, the replaced directors, the fleeing actors (good call, Rob Morrow), plus Val Kilmer gone rogue and Marlon Brando in white pancake makeup shadowed by his own Mini Me (Nelson de la Rosa). In an ecology so toxic, not even Al Gore could devise a reasonable survival plan.
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9. Mysterious Island (1961)
The Perdues call dibs on the bird.
No sign of the Dharma Initiative here (it's about a hundred years too early, anyway), but that's the only thing that isn't weird about this place. The terrain has that whole land-that-time-forgot ambiance, the volcano looks like it's going to blow at any second (patience, it'll actually take about an hour and a half), Captain Nemo (Herbert Lom, looking authoritative even with a giant conch shell on his back) is hanging around just for fun, and the wildlife ... well ... if the giant, mutant chicken and the humungous bees don't freak you out, the indigenous crustaceans will. The last time we saw crabs this big, the Bangkok Health Department had to shut the brothel down. Thank you, you've been a great crowd, tip your waitresses!
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8. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest (2006)
Their attitude might improve if, like us, they could duck out and hit the concession stand.
We know what you're thinking: "What, genetic mutations, monster crabs and killer chickens, but no cannibals?" Sorry, for that you're going to have to go to Pelegosto, where Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) and company are dealing with their own, flesh-hungry band of primitives. Turns out you can fool these guys for a while by styling yourself as a living god but, like most audiences watching this sequence, sooner or later you'll realize that you've lingered too long in this situation, and it's time to move on.
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7. L.I.E. (2001)
Just remember to always be true to yourself. Now can I put a hand on your thigh?
Who knew that the verdant, suburban landscape of Lun Guyland could actually be such an ethical Neutral Zone? Young Howie Blitzer (Paul Franklin Dano) is getting an education in the matter, and getting it the hard way: His father (Bruce Altman) is running scared after having been caught cutting corners on a construction project; his friends are screwing him figuratively when they aren't screwing their family members literally; and the friendly, neighborhood child molester (Brian Cox) turns out to be the closest thing to a strong moral center on the entire landmass. Holden Caulfield, you think you had problems?
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6. Batman Begins (2005)
Yeah, but on the other side of the island: kitten sanctuary!
It's not like Gotham City is the first municipality to quarantine its undesirables on a separate island. Still, there's never been an institution quite like Arkham Asylum. Home to the worst of the worst of the city's criminal element — the most depraved, the most violent, the most all-around dangerous (and, in other incarnations, the temporary summer home for the likes of the Joker, Two-Face, the Penguin, Mr. Freeze, etc.) — the facility has well earned its fearsome reputation and splendid isolation. Now, put it in the charge of Dr. Jonathan Crane (Cillian Murphy), aka Scarecrow, and his not-so-benevolent therapies, and can anyone think of a good reason why the bridges shouldn't be blown and the entire facility left to rot?
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5. Escape from New York (1981)
Rudy Giuliani notwithstanding, it's still pretty much like this.
Okay, so let's now say the bridges are mined, the tunnels blocked, the barbed wire has gone up, and the inmates have been cut loose to run the asylum. Might look something like the high-security snake pit that Manhattan is turned into here: a formerly great metropolis reduced to the governing principles of Thunderdome. It'll take a miracle for an innocent soul, such as the President of the United States (Donald Pleasance), to survive. It'll take a man such as Snake Plissken (Kurt Russell) to get him out. And it'll take the forthright staff of ReelzChannel to admit that one of the reasons we're including this movie is so we can write, "Snake Plissken."
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4. Madagascar (2005)
The odds of catching a cab doesn't really change, though.
Of course, escaping New York doesn't mean you can just transit over to any old island. Just ask the quartet of city-bred zoo animals (Chris Rock, Ben Stiller, David Schwimmer, and Jada Pinkett Smith) who find themselves marooned on the far-less urbane shores of this fantasticized Madagascar. Between treading on unpaved turf, encountering weird (though friendly) members of the insect kingdom, and dealing with the manic lunacy of the lemur King Julien XIII (voiced by Sacha Baron Cohen), we're guessing that waiting an hour on line for a burger at Shake Shack may be as feral as any of these guys will ever wish to be. And then there's that whole survival-of-the-fittest, circle-of-life thing...
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3. The Beach (2000)
We're doing a mainland run for more mirrors. You need anything?
Oh sure, there are islands where the pleasures come at a steep price (for instance, Pinnocchio's Pleasure Island) and islands where the stranded devolve to their primitive nature (Lord of the Flies). But as Leonardo DiCaprio's not-so-worldly wanderer soon discovers, none of them extract quite the tariff that the island of The Beach does. Yeah, the isolated community that DiCaprio's Richard discovers seems to be the perfect paradise — everyone's drop-dead pretty and the main occupation seems to consist mostly of sleeping in the sun — but there's a trade-off: The island may grant perpetual bliss, but also has the infernal ability to make its inhabitants shallow, self-centered, and quite, quite stupid. Really, can any community based on the rigid social structure of a Sports Illustrated swimsuit photo shoot last for long?
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2. The Island (2005)
You'll need your passport, a clean change of underwear, and your will.
But as insidious as The Beach's paradise is, it's got nothing on the island of The Island. Held out as a safe haven for the survivors of a worldwide environmental holocaust, reachable only by lottery, it turns out this place is so sinister, so malign, that it doesn't even exist. It's a fiction, something to con a bunch of cloned, human organ-farms (who don't know that the globe-spanning holocaust is also b.s.) into cooperating with their caretakers when harvest time rolls around. The poor saps are dreaming of beautiful blue waters and warm, sandy beaches; what they get is a one-way ticket to operating room oblivion — that is, when they're lucky enough not to wake up on the table. Really, guys, veal gets better treatment than this.
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1. Catalina Caper (1967)
We didn't realize waves could also erode entertainment value.
Impossible to believe, but yes, Santa Catalina Island is the ultimate, water-bound nexus of evil. Don't be fooled — the place may look like a fun, innocuous vacation spot, but linger on the beach, sit at a café, go below decks, and most especially watch Catalina Caper, and the sordid truth comes out: Contained within the island's shores are enough bad accents, awkward slapstick, incoherent plot twists, and unconvincing action sequences — plus Tommy Kirk and more unnaturally blond hair than an entire Aryan day camp — to make anyone question the existence of a just and loving God. We're not sure how Little Richard found his way onto this benighted isle, we're just glad he managed to escape with his talent intact.
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