Forget Sochi, Get Ready for the Hillbilly Olympics
02.17.14 by BJSprecher
There are many ongoing debates about why the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia, is suffering from poor attendance and poor ratings, but as we sat laughing at the antics of Michael and Mema on Hollywood Hillbillies, the answer dawned on us: the Winter Olympics are just too highfalutin for their own good! Everyone’s wearing Star Trek-y costumes with "dimples" and computers in them, using equipment designed by military contractors and car manufacturers — it’s all just a bunch of hogwash! Down home folks can’t afford any of that fancy schmancy gear, and they wouldn’t be caught dead wearing those crazy getups in the first place.
We called around to all of the good ol’ boys and girls that we know and they helped us put together an alternative to the Winter Olympics, a set of athletic contests with country sensibilities. So, whether you’re from the hills or from a place with no hills to billy, welcome to ReelzChannel’s inaugural Hillbilly Olympics.
The Highfalutin Better Watch Out
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Objective: Dive horizontally over a puddle of mud and contact the water stomach first. Points for style of dive and size of splash.
This is the most popular competition at the annual Redneck Games in Dublin, Georgia, where competitors of all ages, shapes and sizes compete. Spectators typically charge the puddle after the competition and muddy-up.
Cow Chip Tossin’
Objective: Grab yourself a handful of bovine feces and toss it as far as you can.
This event can be found wherever there are ample amounts of cow manure. The annual event in Prairie du Sac, Wisconsin, draws as many as 40,000 people and some competitors even have corporate sponsors. The current record at that event is 248 feet.
Objective: Sneak up on a sleeping cow — they sleep standing up — and push it over. Run like heck.
This is probably the most hillbilly of all of the events, because it typically involves drinking and trespassing. We not sure how to judge the winner, but there are plenty of Midwesterners who could clue us in. NOTE: We don't know if this causes any lasting mental or physical damage to the cows, but just in case we recommend using stunt cows.
Objective: Wrestle an alligator into submission. Try not to die.
The most dangerous event of the Hillbilly Olympics is most popular in Florida. It has been an attraction at the St. Augustine Alligator Farm since 1893, but the Seminole and Miccosukee tribes have been "handling" 'gators since long before the arrival of Europeans in the New World.
Toilet Seat Tossin’
Objective: Think of it as Horseshoes, but with toilet seats for shoes and plungers for posts.
This is a primarily Southern sport, most popular in rural Georgia, but it is making inroads into some Yankee communities, as well. In 2012, two New Jersey mayors competed against each other in a toilet seat toss grudge match. A version is even played in the Netherlands, though the Dutch use the entire toilet.
Watermelon Seed Spittin’
Objective: Spit a watermelon seed as far as you can.
There's no way to know for sure, but the spitting of watermelon seeds is likely one of the oldest sports in human history. How can anyone take a big juicy bite of ripe watermelon and not have the urge to spit out the seeds? Of course, in this day and age, watermelon seed spitting has practically been turned into a science, with record holders using patented techniques that allow them to launch seeds more than 60 feet.