From Hillbillies to Bomb Girls — The REELZChannel Zombie-Apocalypse Survival Team
02.22.14 by REELZ
It's never a bad time to start making plans for the zombie apocalypse. After all, it's not like the undead are going to give us notice before they start climbing out of the ground and trying to eat our brains. So we decided we'd organize our team and figure out which REELZ characters we're calling dibs on for when the undead begin to rise. With the group we've put together, those zombies don’t stand a chance.
Undoubtedly, Yossi’s masterful negotiating skills will come in handy when we run across other teams trying to survive the apocalypse. But more importantly Yossi’s experience as and Army Captain and Intelligence Officer will be priceless. We’re pretty sure both his fighting and survival skills are all but limitless.
Weapon of choice: Charming personality that can disarm anyone.
More than anything, we’re putting Mema on our zombie apocalypse team because she is fearless. Whether she’s threatening to tie up Satan’s genitals or throwing shade at people who are auditioning for the same role as her grandson Michael, she’s willing to go head to head with just about anyone. This will definitely give us an edge when the walkers are headed towards our camp.
Weapon of choice: The same broom she used to beat her “sneaky alcoholic” ex-husband.
Ideally, we’d want both the real Steven Seagal on our team as well as Elijah Kane, the character he plays on True Justice. We don’t know if that’s allowed, but either way we’re going to get a master martial artist, a great marksman, and a law enforcement professional who can train everyone else on the team in a variety of practical skills. How could you go wrong?
Weapon of choice: Steven Seagal’s weapon of choice would be his aikido trained hands and arms, but we’d almost prefer the legendary Elijah Kane head spike. Almost.
Ok, we know it’s been awhile since the last episode of XIII, but we still love the show. And we still love Moze. While XIII, himself, may have plenty of skills to add to the team, we’re pretty sure he’d get continually distracted by trying to figure out the conspiracy that caused the onset with the zombie hordes. Meanwhile, Moze would be focused and a total badass at whatever goal the team was trying to accomplish, be it surviving a battle to the death or breaking and entering into an opposing team’s compound. We also briefly considered Harriet Traymore for the team, but decided we wouldn’t actually want to spend very much time with her, and that’s a crucial part of being a picked for the team.
Weapon of choice: Whatever is handy. Moze can make a weapon of any object that he happens to come across.
Not only is John a fisherman, a hunter, and an grillmaster, he can also “butcher an entire cow for $70.00.” Besides, with his love of the outdoors and his survival skills, he’d probably be happy as a clam during the zombie apocalypse, and that would make him a great morale booster, too.
Weapon of choice: A knife to skin a pig with, a fishing rod to improvise with on any and every body of water, and a shopping cart that he can cook raw meat on top of with an open fire.
Betty is the kinda gal that will do whatever needs to be done. Need a vegetable garden? Betty will be the first one out there weeding, turning soil and planting seeds. Does a guy need killing? She’ll throw that guy off a fire escape, no problem. She is not afraid to get her hands dirty literally or figuratively. Plus, who doesn’t want to hang out with Betty? She’s tough, fun, and a total sweetheart. Don't miss Bomb Girls: Facing the Enemy coming to REELZ this Memorial Day.
Weapon of choice: Her incomparable swagger.
There isn’t really a character on Cracked that wouldn’t be a good addition to the team, but Leo is practically a human swiss-army knife. Need medical atttention? He’s a skilled nurse. Somebody needs psychological counseling? He can do it. Need to hypnotize some approaching zombies? We’re pretty sure he would take care of that, too. And on top of all those skills he can dislocate someone’s arm literally without even trying. He’s a must for this list.
Weapon of choice: Those giant, bear-like hands. He can do some major damage with those things.
As a law enforcement officer, Jessica King brings plenty to the table, but the number one reason we want her is her zero-tolerance policy on BS. There are bound to other survivors who will want to fight, and complain and cause drama while we’re trying to fight zombies, and we know Jess would shut that nonsense down right quick. Also, if she were on the team we might get a chance to borrow some of her shoes.
Weapon of choice: Murder boots and attitude.