Tom Cruise Is Not Dead (at Least Not in New Zealand)
Posted 10.16.08 by reelz
Tom Cruise's publicist has furiously denied
internet rumors that the Valkyrie star recently fell to his death in New Zealand. "This is completely not
true. Tom is not in New Zealand nor has he been there recently. This
is erroneous and unreliable internet garbage," said Cruise spokesman Jeffrey
Raymond. Curiously, Raymond's statement only appears to deny
that Cruise was in New Zealand, but leaves the whole death issue
wide open.
Were Cruise to have actually perished, world leaders would have no doubt
moved swiftly to activate one of his clones, which the three-time Oscar nominee is rumored
to have stationed on each of the seven continents. Like the embattled insurance
conglomerate AIG, Cruise is considered "too big to fail," as the
ensuing fallout would seriously threaten global stability.
(None of that is true, of course, but a ridiculous internet rumor deserves an equally ridiculous response.)